You Drink Too Much Coffee When …

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

* You ski uphill.

* You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

* You speed walk in your sleep.

* You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”

* You answer the door before people knock.

* You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

* You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You sleep with your eyes open.

* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

* The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

* You lick your coffeepot clean.

* You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”

* You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.

* You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* You chew on other people’s fingernails.

* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

* You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

* You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

* You can jump-start your car without cables.

* All your kids are named “Joe.”

* You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.

* Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”

* You don’t sweat, you percolate.

* You buy milk by the barrel.

* You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

* You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

* People get dizzy just watching you.

* When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.”

* You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.

* The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.

* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

* You’re so wired, you pick up FM radio.

* People can test their batteries in your ears.

* Your life’s goal IS to “amount to a hill of beans.”

* Instant coffee takes too long.

* You channel surf faster without a remote.

* When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”

* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

* You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

* You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.

* You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”

* You get drunk just so you can sober up.

* You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

* Your Thermos is on wheels.

* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

* You short out motion detectors.

* You have a conniption over spilled milk.

* You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

* You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.

* You don’t tan, you roast.

* You don’t get mad, you get steamed.

* Your three favorite things in life are…coffee before and coffee after.

* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

* You can’t even remember your second cup.

* You help your dog chase its tail.

* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

* You introduce your spouse as your “Coffeemate.”

* You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Powered by ScribeFire.